Identity Crisis

Lately, I have been going through a very difficult time in my life.

I don't mean to ask for pity--I'm just reaching out to see if anyone has ever felt like this too. Have you? This is something that needs to be talked about more often. The more this is discussed, the more comfort and healing we can bring to others.

I have never felt quite as depressed, confused, or anxious as I have been in the past two years. The anxiety I feel gives me anxiety about the anxiety itself—Why am I so scared? What am I upset about? Through some deep introspection, over time I discovered the root cause of my turmoil: I am missing the fundamental priority in my life. I have seriously been slipping and backsliding in my walk with Christ, both unknowingly and knowingly. I didn’t quite know I was backsliding until I knew it. And even when I knew it, I was too scared to do anything about it.

Cue the depression. Anxiety, stage right. Existential and Identity crises, take the center stage.

When I became aware of my spiritual condition, I still didn’t improve at all. Instead of taking care of my own walk with Christ, I would look to my bothers and sisters in Christ—not for help, but to try to be like them. I was jealous of their walk with Christ. I envied their artistic abilities, their talent, their style, their passion, and their ability to be so close to Christ. Hearing stories about certain people’s walks would discourage me because I may never be able to reach the standard they have set.

Time and time again I stumble into this trap of feeling inadequate. This time is not my first, nor will it probably be my last. Hopefully with God’s help and my own experience of trial and error, I may gain the wisdom necessary to navigate through the wilderness of this identity crisis. 

One thing I learned in my AP Psychology course last year is the eight psychosocial life stages theorized by Erik Erikson. In a nutshell, in every stage of life there is a crisis that one goes through, from birth to old age. In my current stage of life, I am going through what is called the Identity vs. Role Confusion, which sets in during the teenage years. Teens search for their purpose, who they are, what they believe in, and what they value and hope to achieve in life. I have personally felt this struggle my entire teenage life, though it fluctuated in severity. However, since I am about to graduate and enter the world of college and work, this crisis has truly hit me hard in the last two years.

So, how do we as teenagers and young adults cope? There are different ways of coping, both of the healthy and the unhealthy varieties. We must search and discover the best healthy ways we can cope through this time--we must take care of ourselves. I have found a few things that are quite helpful:

1. Participate in a likeminded community of believers to glean from their wisdom and companionship. Those who are currently going through similar situations as you will be there to listen and empathize with you, while others who have already gone through it will give you wisdom and advice.
2. Listen to music that speaks to your current situation and how you feel. There is no shame if you need to listen to deep, dark Twenty One Pilots songs. Believe me, I find it quite therapeutic—so it’s ok. Or, if that’s not your preference musically, that’s perfectly fine as well. Music therapy is real, so if you find songs that really help you express yourself, then continue listening to them. Don't let the opinions of others discourage you from liking what you like.
3. Discover who God is, and He will let you know your identity. He has created you with a need for Him—He wouldn't put a need in you that He would not fulfill, especially if that need is Him Himself. Once you accept His offer of becoming your Teacher, He will lovingly reveal to you His mysteries, and His will for your life will become clear with time. Through getting to know Him, you will know yourself. In knowing yourself as a result, you will be able to glorify God through the gifts, talents, and tools He has provided for you during your study sessions with Him.

So, know this friends, if any of you can identify with what I'm going through: You do you, for God's glory. Don't let yourself envy other believers. You are not them. You can only be yourself, and that does not take away your value. You are just as valuable to God's kingdom as they are. Just because you are different, just because you like different things, just because you are an artist or mechanic or scientist or plumber, doesn't mean that you are of any less importance, value, or worth. The attention they get, the reputation they uphold, the style and talents they weave together, or the poetry they're able to write has nothing to do with your worth. The quality of their art does not diminish the quality of yours. Embrace the person God has created you to be, and focus on glorifying Him in all you do.

This is not a quick fix to depression/anxiety--trust me, if it was, I would say so. However, when we express ourselves for God's glory, we do eventually feel better because this is therapeutic. We must learn to lean on God when our mental illnesses or struggles wage war on us. You are not alone. I am here to listen if anyone needs a friend to talk to. =)

Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots has become the anthem of this season of my life. One excerpt from the first stanza in particular truly conveys what I mean in this blog entry:

“Are you searching for purpose?

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless

Then paint something then, it might be wordless

Pointless curses, nonsense verses

You'll see purpose start to surface

No one else is dealing with your demons

Meaning maybe defeating them

Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.”

|-/

Who Am I? Spoken Word piece by David Bowden, equally as echoing of this message:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw62CpjP0v8